John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
