On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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