just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
