boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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