why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
