please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
