Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
