i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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