My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
