I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
