i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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