We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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