I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
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