Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
