So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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