I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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