Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
