god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
