I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
