why do cheetos always look like penises
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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