So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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