At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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