So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We need to rekindle our bromance
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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