I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
