i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
