Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
