i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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