Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
