They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
