Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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