Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
