the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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