one two three fourrrrnication!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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