My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
