...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
