I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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