Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
