Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
