Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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