That's intense
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
