and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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