My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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