bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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