did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
