If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
