I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
