Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
