Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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