when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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