Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
